Two Nikki's

How many times am I gonna do this "get healthy" thing? Until I get it right. The last two years, I've done a lot of getting on track, just to be derailed by life adventures- and I'm full of excuses. This time, I let being in Mississippi for two months completely throw me. I haven't weighed myself- but I know that I've gained back at least half of the pounds I lost last fall. The hard part is not letting the downfalls become so negative that I can't pick myself up again. I'm in Hawaii now. For the next few months. There is beauty all around me, but I'm consumed by the nagging thoughts of "when am I gonna get back on this healthy thing?". 

I tend to get pretty personal in my blog, and today won't be the exception. Honestly, I am tired. I'm tired of feigning confidence. I'm tired of not feeling motivated every day. I'm tired of dreading the part of my day when I have to decide which pair of too tight jeans to wear. I'm just tired. 

Every day, there are two Nikki's that wake up and greet the day. One is a smart, funny, confident, workaholic that loves what she does and the students she motivates. The other Nikki is the one that hides years of negativity that ate away what might have been a self esteem. The two Nikki's clash every day. What's left is what you see. Someone who pretends that my weight doesn't hold me back from being truly happy. 

In Alcoholics Anonymous, and any other "Anonymous'", they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. I'm pretty aware I have one. I don't want to spend the rest of my life not living to appreciate every day. I know I need to work on the mental part along with the physical, or this will never work. 

I'm so happy with all of the other wonderful things happening in my life right now. Now it's time to make the inside match the outside. 

Today is make a new plan day. With the help of a good friend who's been down this path already, I'm working on it. I'm ready. Please God (or whatever it is out there), let this be the last time I say "This is it." 

I'm going into this knowing I have an amazing support system, and incredible friends and family who want nothing more than to see me succeed. I am forever grateful. Let's try this one last time... Here goes nothin!